When Love Makes Us Lose Ourselves: How to Break Free from Toxic Relationship Patterns
At the beginning of a relationship, everything feels beautiful.
He is charming, attentive, generous.
You feel as though you have finally met someone who truly sees you. You matter to him. You feel loved, protected, perhaps even carried.
He tells you:
“Don’t work. I’ll take care of everything.”
And why would you be afraid?
You’re happy.
You’re on cloud nine.
You don’t yet see that, little by little, something is beginning to change.
Not suddenly.
Almost imperceptibly.
You work less. You become more financially dependent. Some friendships begin to fade away. Your world slowly starts to shrink around your relationship.
But you don’t tell yourself, “I’m losing my independence.”
You tell yourself:
“We’re building our life together.”
Then comes the moment when something shifts
You have just had your baby.
You’re exhausted. You barely sleep. Your body has just been through an enormous upheaval, and you need someone to take care of you, too.
Then the man you love tells you that he can’t really be there.
He has money problems. He has to work. You’ll have to manage the baby on your own.
You understand.
Because you love him.
You even want to help him.
So one day, as you push your baby in the stroller, you say:
“If you want, I can help you earn some money.”
He laughs.
And replies:
“The only job you could do here is be a prostitute.”
And in that moment…
something breaks.
You keep walking behind the stroller.
Perhaps you say nothing.
But inside, you’re wondering:
Who is this man?
Is this really the person I fell in love with?
And yet, you stay
Because one terrible sentence doesn’t instantly erase all the years that came before it.
You tell yourself he’s tired.
That he’s worried about money.
That he surely didn’t mean what he just said.
That it will pass.
And then there are the good moments.
So you forgive.
Once.
And then again.
Gradually, what would have seemed completely unacceptable to you a few years earlier becomes almost part of your everyday life.
This is where I like to use the image of a pot of water slowly heating up.
Not as a scientific fact, but as a metaphor.
If something hurts us terribly from the very first day, we often want to leave.
But when our boundaries are moved little by little, millimeter by millimeter, it becomes much harder to see exactly when we began to lose ourselves.
One day, you look at your life.
You have less space of your own. Perhaps fewer friends. Perhaps less financial independence. Your body is exhausted.
And most of all, you no longer fully recognize the person you used to be.
And then a question arises:
How did I get here?
How Do We Break Free from Toxic Relationship Patterns—and Why Didn’t I See It?
I believe that is a far more interesting question than:
“Why was I so stupid?”
Because you weren’t stupid.
You loved.
You hoped.
You remembered the person he was at the beginning.
And perhaps some of what was happening also felt strangely familiar.
That is where I like to look a little deeper.
Breaking free from toxic relationship patterns can sometimes begin with one very simple question:
When did I stop listening to myself?
What did we learn about love?
What did we see when we were children?
Did we learn that loving someone meant supporting them no matter what?
Forgiving again and again?
Sacrificing ourselves?
Putting everyone else’s needs before our own?
Remaining loyal even when we are suffering?
Sometimes, without realizing it, we may repeat dynamics we already know—not because we want them, but because they feel familiar.
And that does not mean we are destined to repeat them forever.
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
Perhaps this is something we also need to relearn.
In a healthy relationship, you can love someone without disappearing.
You can support another person without carrying their entire life.
You can have your friends, your work, your projects, your own money, your own space.
You can say no.
You can disagree.
You can be vulnerable without having that vulnerability used against you.
The other person does not need to make you smaller in order to exist.
And most importantly:
You do not have to make yourself smaller to be loved.
Coming Back to Yourself
This is one part of my work that deeply inspires me today.
In my Bioenergetic Scan practice, I am not trying to decide for someone whether their partner is “good” or “bad.”
I prefer to explore with them what is happening within themselves.
What are they feeling?
Where did they stop listening to themselves?
What beliefs or patterns seem to keep repeating?
What belongs to them, and what are they carrying for other people?
For me, the Bioenergetic Scan is one tool among others for exploration and self-awareness. It is not a substitute for psychological support or specialized professional help when someone is experiencing abuse, violence, or danger.
But it can open the door to questions.
And sometimes, one question is enough to begin a different path.
Do I feel free to be myself in this relationship?
Do I feel respected?
Can I grow alongside this person without having to disappear?
And perhaps the most important question of all:
If, for just a moment, I stopped listening to what everyone else expects from me… what do I feel?
Today, I write about resilience, relationships, intuition, art, and everything that can bring us a little closer to ourselves.
If this story echoes something you have experienced, simply take what resonates with you.
Your story belongs to you.
With love and gentleness,
AmyLaly Sandrine
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